Last post in 2009

A few days have past since I last blogged. I’ve thought about it often but never updated for a number of reasons – a) I got really focused on and swamped with work, b) my company installed new firewalls which made it so that I couldn’t access flickr and I realized that for me, half the fun of blogging is including pictures that I can look back upon later, and c) I guess I’ve been in a bit of a funk and didn’t feel that I had anything happy/fun to write about.

So, what has changed?! To be honest, probably not enough. I am still in a bit of a funk. I am overweight and tired a lot of the time. That, in and of itself, probably has a lot to do with my mood. But I’ve also been off work for over a week now and have realized that all the time, anxiety and stress is not worth it. Yes, I love the adrenaline rush of meeting insane targets, of bringing in work, of people believing in me enough to give me more and more responsibility. But really, what’s the point?

I’ve done some soul-searching over the last few days and also had some good conversations with CJ, with my mum, with CJ’s mum. CJ and I are both very similar in that we work our butts off for the smallest sign of recognition/appreciation. When really, the people I want that recognition and appreciation from the most are the ones that I am neglecting when I spend 60 hours a week working. The ones who I want to do a good job for are CJ and the kids. They are the ones who love me and care about me (regardless of whether I meet my project targets or not, regardless of what I look like). They are the ones I love with all my heart and who I miss like crazy when I am away from. They are the ones who make me laugh and smile and feel happy. CJ’s mom made a good comment yesterday. We were chatting in the car and she commented on how people these days work so hard and so much. She noted that in other countries (besides Canada and the US) people work less and enjoy life more. Its true we are working ourselves into the grave. Everyone says that the people who still have jobs now in this recession are the lucky ones, but really we are the ones that are left doing the work of 2 or more people for the salary of one (or less).

I noticed over the last few days that the kids have become very good at entertaining themselves even when I am home (sitting in front of the computer answering emails). Seb can spend hours playing his DS and Kenzie watches way too much TV. When I ask them if they want to play a game with me, they are actually torn, because it is so out of their normal routine, its almost like they don’t know how to. How sad is that?!

This is pretty depressing. But I think I needed to experience this. I always wanted to be really successful at work – to be really important. I think that over the last year I have realized what the price of that is, and its not a price I want to pay. I would rather have a 9-5 job and spend more time and energy on CJ, Mackenzie and Sebastian. My ego will be okay. CJ’s mum made a good point yesterday. She said that “we are all really good at something”. This is true. That comment is a great equalizer and kind of takes the ego out of the equation.

So, my challenge now is to figure out how I get the right balance back into my life. I am pretty sure that I can carve out whatever role I want to take on at work. I will have to make some sacrifices – I might not be at the table for all the executive meetings, I might not be called upon to participate in the strategic decision making, I probably won’t get performance awards and huge bonuses, but what I will get will make up for it.

For example, a couple weeks ago I took a day off work to help in Mackenzie’s classroom when they did a Scientists in the Classroom “simple machines” event. I led one of the stations that was focused on “wheels”. I taught them some basic information and then with every group that came around each child made a cardboard car with wheels and then decorated it. I was actually kinda nervous about going because I didn’t want to embarrass Kenzie. I didn’t want her friends to say that her mom was fat or dumb or any other negative comment. But you know what? She was SO FRIGGIN HAPPY that I was there. I am getting teary thinking about it. The look on her face when I arrived and started “teaching” made me feel like a million bucks. She was so proud and wanted to be right beside me so that all her friends knew that I was her mom. She would come by each rotation and give me a big smile and introduce me to all her friends. I am pretty sure I am going to remember that day for the rest of my life.

Another example is the other night when CJ and I were going to bed. We were just chatting and talking about a how funny it would be to take a backscratcher to work. You could walk around the office with this thing in your back pocket. It could come in really handy for other things to like using it as a pointer in meetings. Okay so a silly conversation but we laughed really hard. It felt so good to laugh. These days CJ and I have so friggin little time together. It’s a rush in the morning getting ready for work, getting the kids ready, lunches made etc. It’s a rush after work getting dinner made, homework done, kids to bed etc. Many days we don’t even have 5 minutes to talk to each other.

I know it’s a cliché, but I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and realize that I hardly know my husband and that the kids have grown up and moved out of the house.

I don’t want to say this is a resolution because resolutions always get broken. But hopefully this will be a turning point in my life where I finally get my priorities straight. Wish me luck. If anyone besides me reads this blog and you have any advice for me, please share. I need some help on putting these thoughts into action.

And with that I will leave you with some pictures of what is most important to me.