if only...

If only I could handle my personal life the way I handle work. At work I thrive on stress. When I am under pressure I am at my best. I love having so much to do that it's almsot impossible to get it all done. It's a challenge and I get a buzz from trying to get it all done. I love the challenge - I love having to think and problem solve. When I have a big deadline approaching I enter into this almost robotic mode. I put my head done and start working and I have to admit that I am pretty damn productive. I get high off the adrenaline and get into this almost giddy mood.

okay.. let's talk about how I handle my personal life. I am a friggin disaster. When one of the kids starts crying, my stress level skyrockets. Instead of thinking clearly I start to panick and can't figure out what I need to do first. If two kids start to cry I almost self-destruct. Throw in a bit of fatigue ... or better yet... complete sleep deprivation... and I seem to be incapable of functioning altogether.

Let's talk about friends.... I love having people over and socializing, but after my friends leave, I always think about the things I should have said or when I acted badly (e.g. stopping a conversation midsentence because one of the kids needed me). I seem to be really bad at prioritizing what needs to be done in social/personal situations. I am afraid that my friends think I'm rude, and my kids will think I am a bad mom.

I go back to work tomorrow. I am actually looking forward to it a bit. I feel a bit like a failure after being home for the last 6 days. I found it really tough. I had all these great hopes for my vacation. Now that it's over I only remember the times when I didn't act/parent the way I feel I should have.

anyhow... that's my post for now. It was Kenzie's birthday today. I think she had a pretty good day. I don't want to cloud the memory of her day with my current sad thoughts, so I'll write about her birthday tomorrow.

Good night.