Self-pity party

So I’ve been very bitchy and feeling sorry for myself lately.

I have been sick for about 4 weeks now. I’m convinced I have another sinus infection. It’s just not going away. I wake up several times a night with a very sore throat and feeling just like crap. Every morning I am absolutely exhausted.

Sebastian and CJ have also been sick. And when Sebby is sick he always sleeps badly (waking several times a night) and he wants me to lie with him, so as a result I usually get a crappy night’s sleep.

CJ had his surgery on Monday. So as a result a lot of the parenting and other responsibilities (shopping, getting ready for Christmas, shoveling snow, taking kids to school and picking them up etc) have fallen to me. So I’ve been all grumpy and bitchy about that and as a result I haven’t been very “nurturing” to CJ. The best I can do is encourage him to rest and lie down. But … to be honest I think I’ve been pretty horrible to him. And so then I feel guilty which make me even more bitchy. I really wish I wasn’t like that and every morning I make myself a promise to be more patient and kind, but then something will happen and I’ll snap or be short with CJ again. And I think my bitchiness is rubbing off on him… well that and the fact that he still feels crappy and is in pain is making him short and snappy with the kids, which makes me feel like I have to overcompensate and be extra “soft” with the kids… and I know that drives CJ crazy.

My Dad arrived last Sunday too (the day CJ went into the hospital). Now my dad is very undemanding but he still has little quirks that irritate me, so I sometimes snap at him and then I feel bad about that too. I have also been going to bed as soon as the kids are in bed cause I am so tired, so I feel like I’ve been doing a bad job of being a good host and talking to him.

So, what else…. Oh yeah – work!! I am SWAMPED at work. Without going into a lot of details… I was asked to cover for another project manager who was off for a couple weeks. I was thrown into it (she talked to me for about 10 minutes the day before she left) and there were 3 major deliverables that had to be submitted…. I wasn’t happy with a couple of them but when I asked the president for his input he said he didn’t have time and threw it back at me. So I did my best with having them revised and I asked him if he had any comments. When none came back, I submitted the reports. So last week the clients said that they had some concerns and so of course I feel like shit cause I knew there were issues but I sent them in anyway. Then also last week – when CJ was at the hospital I had 2 big presentations to prepare and present and that just stressed me out completely. Finally I have a major proposal due on January 5th which I haven’t even started yet. So even though our office is closed for the next two weeks I’ll be working the whole time. … and to be honest I don’t think we’re gonna win the job because there is another firm in the area here which has more experience but I already committed to preparing the proposal so now I have to do it.

Then of course is Christmas. I love Christmas. It’s my favourite holiday. I love decorating and baking and listening to music etc, but this year I haven’t been able to enjoy the season at all. That makes me sad.

Oh yeah … and my camera broke. Do you know how sad that makes me? Very very very sad. I feel like I’ve lost an arm or a leg. Oh how dramatic am I???

Woe is me…..