it hit

over the last few weeks I've been wondering if I am emotionally dead... or at least a "cold fish". I just couldn't feel "sad" about leaving. I wasn't happy about leaving... I just felt nothing.

Well this morning it hit and it wasn't pleasant. I woke up late and had been having some sort of a bad dream. I can't remember the dream but I woke up feeling very sad and anxious. On my way to work, as I was crossing the bridge, I looked around and was overcome by a tremendous feeling of sadness.

I realized that this was one of the last times I would see the beautiful mountains all around, the last time I would drive over Lake Washington, with the blue water sparkling and the UW rowers rowing alongside the bridge. Then my thoughts moved on to my girlfriends. It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. Life is going to be so empty without them. I know we will stay in touch. But email and phone calls are one thing... sitting down over a glass of wine and having a good heart-to-heart chat is another. The thought that I will no longer be able to put my arms around a friend and give her a good "i love you" hug, makes my heart ache. One of the things I love most about friendship is being able to share the little daily "nothings". The "I feel fat today", or "I love your new earrings", or "Hey, do you want to hit the sale at Old Navy with me on saturday". I will miss getting together and seeing our children play together. I will no longer be able to watch them and think about how they will grow up together and go to school together. How maybe one day our kids would fall in love and marry and that maybe we would be able to share grandchildren (I know.... probably very unlikely, but I still loved being able to dream). I will miss impromptu get togethers where we can just laugh together. When we can give each other a look and know exactly what the other one is thinking. I will miss being able to call you and say "I need to talk to you, it's important, can you come over now". I will miss being able to cry on your shoulder and then laugh through my tears at something you said to cheer me up. I will miss being in the same space as you. I will miss us being part of each others day-to-day lives.

I am so so so sad. My heart is aching.

Karen, Dawn, Hadley, Nabila, Sam, Rachel, Deb, Christy, Kelly, Sarah, Kristin, JL, Leigh, Ellen, I love you all so much. Thank you for being my friends. I will miss you so much. I love you :(