So relieved

I've been feeling really anxious lately. I've been having anxiety attacks and just feeling stressed and unhappy. Most of these feeling have been manifesting themselves in my work. I've been stressing about work, which is impacting my efficiency, which in turn is stressing me out even more.

I had my review today. Sat down with two partners to talk about how I'm doing. I started off and told them that I've been feeling unsettled and gave them some thoughts on how I can get myself back on track. I was worried that they'd tell me to buck up and get to work. Instead they said that they are very happy with my work. They even passed on some commendations from one of my clients. They suggested that my feelings of unsettleness could stem from the way things in the office have changed and told me that they are experiencing similar feelings of unsettledness, but that things in our firm are exactly on track and that I shouldn't worry so much.

We then talked about business development opportunities and about some upcoming projects that we are going to be working on. All in all it was a great review. Considering how much I stressed all weekend and how nervous I was beforehand, I am now overcome with relief (that it is over) and happy that it went so well.

okay, with that... I will now get back to work :)

good day

Had a good day today. This morning Kenzie and I went to visit Kelly and Max. The kids had fun playing and I enjoyed hanging out with Kelly, drinking coffee and chatting. This afternoon CJ and I played with the kids and just hung out. At one point CJ walked into the kitchen with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent by Ash for no reason other than to make my day happier (Thank you Ashleigh! you are WAY TOO nice!). Had a little visit from Dawn and Gabbie this evening which was fun too. All in all, nothing too eventful It was exactly perfect.

help me

I'm in a "poor Karen, wah wah wah" mood for no reason. Can anyone cheer me up?

Heard any good jokes lately?

Anything really wonderful happen in your life so I can live vicariously through you?

Anything really embarrassing happen so I can laugh at you?

Have you heard any "Hallmark stories" so I can cry happy tears?

Anyone seen any good on-line sales (retail therapy)?

making music

I took these pictures a couple days ago. I thought it would be a disservice to the world if I did not share all this cuteness. (p.s. Sebastian DOES own more than one outfit - we try to change him at least once a week).

Crabby Pastian

That's what Kenzie calls Seb now (from Crabby Patty / Sponge Bob). I think the nn is fitting. Here he is. Isn't he adorable.



Seb looks cute in this picture... but I have a droopy eye. Oh well, had to post it cause it makes me want to kiss his smoochy cheeks.

lazy, rainy Sunday

Yesterday was a REALLY hectic day. In the morning Karen and Leigh came over with the kids. I am really enjoying play dates these days. The kids actually play together. And Kenzie and Ethan are still very close (We shared a nanny when they were 4 months - 10 months old - I wonder if they remember that time?).







Sebastian had had a really rough night - waking up a lot, being up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. He didn't seem unhappy though. So CJ and I debated whether or not to take him into the doctor. We finally decided to err on the side of caution and take him in. I was happy to hear that his ears are clear and it was probably just a fluke.



In the evening we hosted a baby shower for D&D. Much fun was had by all. I am so excited to meet that little munchkin :)





Today we are having a relaxing Sunday. Both kids slept well last night which was fabulous. It's a rainy day today so we are doing NOTHING. I even skipped Seb's swim class. We just went to the store and bought a bunch of toys and craft supplies to keep us occupied this afternoon. Beef stew is cooking in the crockpot. Kids are now napping... and CJ and I are going to catch up on a few Tivo'd programs. Ah, I never thought that watching one of my TV shows would be such a luxury. I is happy!

things that make me laugh

1. CJ doing the "funny walk" (ever seen the Monty Python skit? CJ is funnier) at a very stuffy wine tasting event!

2. Kenzie telling me any story in her super animated way.

3. CJ farting and blaming the cat.

4. Darwin tickling the girls and hearing them squeal in laughter.

5. Kenzie when she told me this morning "I very sad and very mad because I want pizza for breakfast".

6. CJ wearing his sweats to the store.... backwards.

7. Sarah doing a gig with very large *enhancements*, a tight little tank top, and a very straight face.

8. Dawn and Nick comparing bellies when Dawn was 8 months pregnant.

9. When Julian fell over with his elephant costume on and couldn't get up. All the Halloween pictures just show a trunk sticking up.

10. GMS getting all loopy on two light beers.

11. Ash's avatar.

12. Sebby when he screams bloody murder, but then stops instantly and gets a huge grin on his face when he's picked up.

13. Kenzie when she's in a bossy mood.

14. CJ dressing the kids.

15. My friend Karen when she is stressed.

16. CJ telling the world that we ate the mixed vegetables (on Steve's podcast).

not much to say

I don't have much to say today. I went out with a couple friends for drinks last night. We had fun and talked about babies the whole night - what else is new. Our friend Karen was working and so she brought us over a giant dish of marionberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream... can you say YUMMMMM! As a result, I am a bit sleepy today.

Here are some pics I took the other night. Kenzie must jump on our bed every night after her bath. She likes to jump to good loud rocking music. It's fun to watch her.





and of course, the little man..... (you can see K's hiddeous tacky cheneille jacket in the background)

I'm on the verge....

.... of doing something very WILD and SHOCKING! I feel so stifled and bored right now. I am this close (picture me holding my thumb and forefinger really, really close together) to doing something that would shock the world. Okay maybe not the world, but certainly my family and friends. I feel like walking into my director's office and handing in my resignation... or booking a flight and flying off somewhere and knocking on a distant friend's door.... Perhaps I could leave the office right now, go home and tell CJ that we need to pack our bags, we're going to sail around the world. Something… anything that would involve a drastic change to the routine and monotony that is currently my life.

I think I *will* do something. Maybe not as drastic as the ideas above… but SOMETHING! I need to do SOMETHING right now that will get my heart pumping and the adrenaline going…. If only I could think of something

my husband #2

I haven't done one of these since I started this blog. It's time for another.

- He and Kenzie have a special handshake for "just the two of them"
- He is very funny and quick-witted
- He brings me coffee to bed every morning
- He is more overprotective of the kids than I am
- He makes lunch for me and writes 143 and draws hearts on the aluminum foil
- He gives Great hugs
- He is very determined
- He has convinced Mackenzie that drinking water will give her big muscles
- He will go to the store to buy me tampons, nipple cream, preperation H etc.
- He is a good friend
- He is a romantic
- He is talented
- He can cook up a mean mushroom stroganoff
- When he leaves the house with the kids, he'll warm a bottle for Seb and wrap it up in aluminum foil to keep it warm
- He told me he'd like to do the Amazing Race with my mother
- He always puts the toilet seat down
- He always makes Seb's bottles
- He always unloads the dishwasher
- He has very sexy arms, shoulders and legs

I'm "the Brit"'s newest fan

So the other day CJ and his buddy Steve did a podcast. If intersted, you can download it here. CJ loaded it onto my ipod and I listened to it on the way into work today. It's FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!! Basically, it's these two music and techno geeks getting progressively more "lubricated" as the evening progresses talking about life, friends, music, technology, vasectomies, and "the dog". I seriously laughed out loud on the bus a couple times. I can't wait for the next one.

On a completely unrelated note, I love my husband and he makes me smile.

feeling very low

I feel so down today.

1. It's Monday and when I left for work today Seb was still sleeping. Time is going by too fast, the kids are growing too quickly and I miss being with them. I had such an amazing time playing with the two of them this weekend. My arms ache to hug them right now.

2. My mother. She has convinced herself that something is seriously wrong because Kenzie doesn't want to talk to her on the phone. It seems like there is nothing I can do to convince her that this is normal behaviour. She is so upset and seriously pissed off at me for telling her that it's normal.

3. I witnessed two events yesterday. Once when Kenzie was playing with her new toy phone. Seb wanted it and when Kenzie took it away he threw a fit - she gave in and gave him her new toy. Same thing happened when she had a friend over in the evening and the friend wanted the toy Kenzie was playing with. She gave in and gave up *her* toy to appease the friend. I want her to have a certain sense of entitlement. Of course I want her to play fair, but this is beyond fair. She is giving in when she shouldn't. I want her to put herself first. The most upsetting thing is that I am afraid she is learning this behaviour from me. I KNOW she is learning it from me and I hate that. I neeed to change but I don't know how.

4. I was trying to be honest and I upset people who I love. (cryptic, I know... sorry)

oh yah... I forgot pictures. Our great friends Dawn and Darwin (who are also the kids' Godparents) came over yesterday with Gabbie to watch the game (Go Seahawks!!), eat pizza and hang out. The girls had a blast playing together. It was fun.



Darwin wrestling the girls.




This picture cracks me up....


worn out

pictures from today

I was holding Kenzie and chatting with CJ, all of a sudden I realized that she felt really relaxed in my arms. I said to CJ "Am I holding a sleeping child?" sure enough I was.

determination, and style

I have never met a more determined and stubborn person than Sebastian. When he doesn't get what he wants he throws such a bloody fit that 90% of the time we give in just to shut him up. I know... terrible, but he just does NOT give up! He has been like since since we tried to let him cry-it-ot at 5 months old and he beat us down - over an entire week of screaming for hours. So we need to function and sometimes giving in is what it takes. Anyhow, lately we've had a few issues again. He's been sleeping through the night every night for a while now, but this week he started waking up at 4:30 wanting a bottle. Thinking it was a one-off occurance we gave him a bottle. After a week of this, CJ and I agreed to let him cry until he went back to sleep. This morning he screamed (it wasn't even an upset scream.. it was a "get the hell out of bed and get over here to me or I'll scream as loud as I can just to piss you off" - scream) from 4:30 until 6:00 when his sister woke up from all the racket. Yup... and Seb got his bottle. I know we need to be tougher with him or else we're in big trouble when he's a teenager.... But I swear he has the determination of Lance Armstrong and the stubborness of a bull. But look at him - so damn cute.





Kenzie has developed her own style. This morning she told me that orange was no longer her favourite colour. It is now pink (ack). Everything she touched or ate today had to be pink. We went to the outlet stores in North Bend today. In the Gap store there were these darling little chenielle (sp?) jackets for girls. They had a bunch in solid colours which I loved and then one with stripes in every single colour available - which I thought was hideous and really tacky. That's the one Mackenzie HAD to have. So of course, being as I want to support and encourage her independence and free-choice etc, she got the striped one. Then we went into the shoe pavillion. They had all kinds of adorable kids shoes... little addidas running shoes, cool high top converse, vans and lots of other fun shoes. Kenzie wanted (and of course, got) these.... (insert horrified expression)



Kenzie didn't want to nap this afternoon. So I told her she could hang out with me in the office if she was quiet. Here she is.



These kids!!!!. They walk all over me. It's a good thing that CJ is home with them during the day, because although he is a softie, he's not a complete pushover like me.

I am my mother

In the last 2 weeks I have said all these things to Mackenzie:

1. Just wait till you have kids.

2. Because I said so.

3. I'm too tired for this right now.

4. Don't be sad.

5. What did your daddy say?

6. No. Because.

how much would you pay

... for a day off. Right now, a day off is very attractive. I think I'd pay $200 if I could leave right now and it's already 12:36 pm.

I'd pay $500 if I could start my weekend now. okay maybe that's kind of pricey. I guess that's why I'm here and not at home.

music

I don't listen to music enough. I used to, but somewhere along the way I stopped. I think it was when life got hectic and I stopped listening to music in the car because I just wanted a few minutes of peace.

But now I have started again. I've also just recently realized that it's ok to enjoy music that isn't mainstream. It's not about "fitting in". Music is a gift. Everyone has their own music style. And everyone has different moods and types of music to match each mood. Music also has the ability to change our mood. I can listen to music and it will make me feel good, make me relax, make me wake up, whatever. It is pretty powerful

A couple weeks ago, I was listening to NPR and they did a segment on a certain musician (eta: David Gray). I really enjoyed the music clips they played. I mentioned this to CJ and so he went and bought me the CD and loaded it onto my iPod (cause that's just the kid of guy he is). I was listening to it on the bus this morning. I loved it! It's very mellow music.... very soothing. It felt like a HUG. That's exactly what I needed this morning.

the one upper

If there is a type of person that most gets under my skin it's the "one upper". The type of person who always has bigger problems, or better kids, or more money, or more money issues, or better health, or worse health, or a better husband or a worse husband..... it doesn't matter what the topic, their situation is always "more". grrrr.

Happy Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving that is. :)

In honour of Canadian Thanksgiving, this post is about the things I am thankful for.

1. My family. :) CJ, you are the love of my life. Kenzie and Sebastian, I would do ANYTHING for you. I love you completely and unconditionally (is that the same thing?) and all I hope for is that you both have happy lives.

My dad was here this weekend. It was nice to see him again. I can't believe that he will be 70 in a few months. I don't want my parents to get old. :( I am always amazed at how gentle and loving he is with his grandkids. You can tell that he loves them.



It was also really cool that Kenzie got over her nervousness around Maddison. That dog is so friggin calm and so great with kids. The kids were all over him all day yesterday and he just took it.





2. Our friends. Steve and Nabila came over yesterday with the chilluns to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. They are two of the coolest people I know. I remember the first time I had a conversation with Steve - it was at a bar where Cousin Phil was playing - and we started talking about cooking and cooking shows. I thought he was the nicest guy and so easy to talk to. Nabila (don't you just LOVE that name... Nabila) is such a sweetheart. I can't imagine Nabila ever saying a bad word about anyone. I can't imagine her getting stressed about anything. She is calmness and sweetness combined. She is a natural mother and a great friend. I am very glad to know you N!

I got to hold Jasmine and feel her fall asleep in my arms. She is SERIOUSLY an adorable baby. I told Nabila this and it's true. I usually don't think babies are that cute. Not until they get to be around 3 months old. But baby Jasmine... she has the cutest little baby cheeks and perfect doll-like lips. awwww. I miss her right now.


Here's a picture of the beautiful family (minus Julian who was in baby jail at the time).



3. My work: Where I can walk into the kitchen every morning to put my lunch in the fridge and see pictures of Kenzie and Sebastian up on the bulletin board. Our office manager had the pics printed out and she put them up there. It warms my heart every time I see them.

4. Thanksgiving leftovers!

weekends rock

I love weekends. It's only 3:00 on Saturday but I've already had a great day. This morning Ellen and Katrina, and Kelly, Max and Alex came over. Kelly, Ellen and I worked on shower invitations for Dawn and Darwin's shower. I am getting very addicted to stamping. It is fun and I love the look of handmade stuff. Here is the final product.





It was fun to hang out with 'the girls'. :) I feel like I am just getting to know both Ellen and Kelly, but I think both of them are great women. I am glad we are friends and I look forward to getting to know them better. I think Sebastian enjoyed having the company of little lady Alex too. They did a lot of head grabbing and goobering each other in the face. Should I be worried?

It was so cool watching Kenzie and Max play too (Katrina went home early so I didn't get to witness all three playing - since they were outside with CJ the whole time). But when they came inside Kenzie and Max actually played with each other! They were talking to each other, having conversation, playing with cars and pretending to eat snacks (play doh snacks). They were adoreable together - saying please and thankyou to each other and sharing toys. Cute cute cute!







Right now both kids are sleeping. Soon my dad will be arriving and then we're heading over to our friend Tim's house to watch the Ohio State vs Penn State football game. Dawn went to Penn State so I have a feeling there will be a lot of smack-talking going on between her and CJ. It will be entertaining.

Life is good! :)

it's 3:01 on Friday....

... that's one hour and 59 minutes before the weekend officially starts. WOOT!

I have nothing exciting to say.

I just called CJ to tell him that if he felt like it, he should come pick me up at work and bring wine. I went out for lunch with some collegues and we had wine. How am I supposed to work after drinking 1-1/2 glasses of wine.

I just ended the last three sentences with the word 'wine'. Make that 4. Wine is good.

I think I may be drunk.

who put prozac in my coffee?

some things make no sense to me. Like how on some days everything can be going fine but you feel depressed and like crap (like yesterday), and on other days, life throws you some curves but you are happy as can be.

Take today for instance. Last night was a rough one with very little sleep (Kenzie's fault, not Seb's). I got up at 5:20 this morning to bring my mum to the airport. Seb woke up early and didn't go back to sleep. I looked at Seb and CJ snuggling in bed and they just melted my heart. They are my two favorite guys in the world.

Traffic coming into Seattle from the airport was terrible, so I got off at an earlier exit and wound my way through town to my office. 3 blocks from my office I get pulled over by a cop. Apparently they changed this route to "bus-only" from 6 am to 9 am. After taking down all my information and presenting me with a ticket for $101, the cop explains to me that he would suggest I go with #2 on the back of the ticket which would allow me to explain my situation (I normally take the bus etc.) and that if I have a reasonably good driving record they might clear my ticket. Instead of being upset about the ticket, I felt all warm inside that the cop was so nice to me. HA!

So I bought myself a latte at Starbucks and here I am sitting in my office, looking through emails and feeling all happy and giddy.

If I could dig a deep hole,....

... climb into it, and wallow in self pity, I would.

I am miserable today. The high of the vacation is over, I am back at work with over 200 emails to sort through, and a full voice-mailbox. To top it off, a partner just walked by my office and informed me that I need to prepare for a presentation tomorrow morning at 9:00 am.

Ugh.

All the stress and anxiety that has been dwindling away over the last few days just came back and hit me square in the face.

The sucky part is that I don't have anything to look forward to until Thanksgiving and that seems like such a long way off.

okay whine over, I am going to get to work now.

on a happier note,..... I want to kiss the person that invented wasabi peas.

Vacation memories

1. Walking in the house and seeing this.



2. Kenzie and I holding hands at the water’s edge. Every time a wave approached, we would defiantly “ROAR” at the water to make it go away. Most of the time it would work and the water would recede in defeat. We would laugh and feel empowered. Every once in a while it would charge towards us, unresponsive to our roars. We would turn around and run, giggling, towards the dry sand so that the water couldn’t “get us”.



3. Coming back to the house after being outside in the wind and rain. Feeling warm and tired. Drinking a glass of wine. Looking out the window to see the waves crashing onto the beach.



4. Proudly watching Sebastian as he mastered crawling.



5. Lying in bed at night, in a warm cocoon of blankets and hand made quilts, the pillows cool on my face, listening to the rain, looking at the stars in the black sky.



6. Going out for fish and chips (fresh catch of the day). Watching “Omi” tickle and play with her grandchildren. Listening to Kenzie giggle as she tickled Omi back.



7. Afternoon naps.



8. Sitting in the living room in the evening, fire crackling in the fireplace, kids in their pajamas watching TV.



9. Watching the sun go down over the ocean.



10. SHOPPERS HEAVEN!! Outlet malls! New clothes, new toys, fun, fun, fun.

11. Watching the kite fly 300 feet up in the air. Feeling the tug of the kite on the handle in my hand. Laughing as I watched Omi try to catch the handle of her kite as it ran away from her… scurrying along the beach just out of reach.



12. Going out for a drink with CJ while Omi stayed home and put the kids to bed. Enjoying our time together, knowing that the kids were well taken care of.

13. Seeing kenzie on her dad's shoulders flying a kite.



14. Feeling the sun on my face as I took a walk on the beach with Sebastian in the backpack and Kenzie. Watching Kenzie jump over the footprints in the sand. Collecting sand dollars and making sand castles.